Asian businessman cheers with mug of beer

Finally, the Democratic Debates!

By Laney Portelance
Tonight on October 13th, CNN hosts the first Democratic National Convention debate, with a cast of characters better known as Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Martin O’Malley. The Hillary-a-thon, excuse me, the debate, will be moderated by the silver fox himself, Anderson Cooper. Call in sick for work tomorrow because you’re watching the DNC Debate tonight to better yourself, pour yourself a drink (or six), and let’s get started.
Drink every time Martin O’Malley says something irrelevant. Or every time he’s irrelevant in general, which is all the time. Just drink whenever he’s on screen.

Take a shot every time Hillary Clinton panders to young people.

Shotgun a beer if anyone besides Bernie Sanders says, “Feelin’ the Bern.” My money is on Anderson Cooper.

Drink whenever CNN is biased in favor of Hillary (Extra Q&A time, excessive reaction footage, questions about her directed at other candidates, etc.)

Finish your drink whenever CNN asks a question about Trump.
It’s inevitable. Get ready.


Drink when anyone mentions “the middle class.” Guaranteed you’ll be down and out in the first fifteen minutes.

Take a shot if Bernie drops a catch phrase like, “If a corporation is too big to fail, it’s too big to exist.”

Drink every time Hillary directly calls out a Republican candidate.